Portus Fun Diary



Woke up, got out of bed, looked out of the window, went back to bed.

2nd. Tore up diary.
3rd. Woke up feeling positive. Where's the sticky-tape?!
4th. Stumbled upon hidden bottle of Pitu. "Just the one won't harm... "
5th. ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 
6th. Took celebratory drink. Personal record for New Years' resolution now stands at
four days.
7th. Set foot outside for the first time, since watching Alfred Hitchcock's 'Birds', on
Boxing day. Got shit upon by flock of seagulls.
8th. Cold, windy and with a thick covering of snow. Outside it's even worse.
Must get roof fixed.
9th. Things to wipe from memory. Part 1: Black and white printer ink.
10th. Had horrible nightmare, again. Squawking noises and fluttering wings.
Must get roof fixed.
11th. Watched interesting TV documentary, about people who like watching interesting
TV documentaries.
12th. Spent the whole day in bed, imagining it was summer.
Must fix central heating thermostat.
13th. 'Most accidents happen in the home'... I was reading this, as the book case fell
towards me with gathering speed.
14th. Woke up with song buzzing in my head... Removed MP3 player ear plugs.
15th. If you can't find the letter, you'd sworn you'd placed in the letter rack, then check
16th. How many times do I have to be scared to death, before realising that I'd eaten
beetroot the previous day.
17th. Finished wrapping up clothes' parcel, ready to deliver to the 'Help Flood Victims'
sorting depot.
18th. Spent the whole day, looking for my favourite shirt. Still haven't found it.
19th. Went to watch local football team. Fancy having to wait until half-way through the
season before witnessing their best result. Lost, 8-1.
20th. Must get more organised. Planned to make list, detailing most important jobs to do.
Couldn't find notebook.
21st. Wrote a letter to vicar, reminding him that, according to his religion, Sunday is a
day of rest and that not everybody wants to be awoken so early by the sound of bells.
22nd. Red, blue, silver, red, green, white... there must be more interesting things to do
than noting the colour of passing cars.
23rd. Awoken by the sound of the neighbour, singing in the shower. I'll be pleased when
she gets hers fixed.
24th. For my liking, computer software is still far too unreliable. "Are you absolutely
certain you want to change the font colour?" Yet, without any warning, you can
delete that unimportant looking file with 'dll' extension.
25th. Took my weekly trip to the computer-repairs shop.
26th. Decided to bake a cake. Recipe, ingredients, cooking utensils, patience...
... The supermarket sells delicious cakes, anyway... Add to shopping list.
27th. Amazing. Just read that 1998 lasted one second longer, because of 'Universal
Standard Time' adjustment. No wonder that year dragged.
28th. White, blue, red, silver, green, red...
29th. Decided to have a lovely, soothing, relaxing bath... Three phone calls from the same
Tele-Marketing company, and four callers at the front door from, Parcel Express,
my neighbour, Jehovah's Witness and... Carol singers?!
30th. That's the fourth time I've had fish and chips this week. I hope that lady at the shop
doesn't think I fancy her.
31st. Having struggled to think of what to eat today, decided upon fish and chips.



People should learn to talk more clearly. Of course the neighbour was surprised
when she found me in her hallway, but I thought she said, "Come in." and not,
"Coming." Anyway, she should have put her dressing gown on sooner.

2nd. Steak is great. Having used it yesterday on my black-eye, today, I fried it for my
evening meal.
3rd. Got a reply from the vicar. Didn't realise that they swore as much as that.
4th. It's so easy to get distracted whilst Internet surfing. I set out, just to find out the
correct spelling for 'surprise', yet ended up on a site about naked origami.
5th. Realised what I'd done with my favourite shirt. Just stopped myself from phoning
6th. Set about clearing up the guest room. I wish I hadn't come across that 'Ideal Home'
magazine, because three hours later the room was still in a mess.
7th. I must check the contents of my fridge more often. I discovered a strawberry
yoghurt that had been in there nearly two years and a letter from my auntie.
8th. Why can't people have respect for other people's property? My neighbour said she
only wanted to send one e-mail, but when I returned home I discovered; my desktop
now had a full screen George Clooney wallpaper; there was a new folder entitled,
'My Stuff' and there were short-cut links to several sites: Linda's Lingerie, Marital
Aids for Beginners, Ouch (?) and The Chippendales.
9th. My memory! Made my apologies to neighbour regarding Linda's Lingerie.
10th. The 24-Hour roof repairer, I called a month ago, finally arrived.
11th. Started snowing heavily this evening. It's a comforting feeling, knowing that the roof
repairer will be coming next week to finish the job off. At least he knows what the
hole looks like.
12th. I know it's childish, but I still enjoyed building that snow man... And, all in the
comfort of my own home.
13th. Had to trudge through the deep snow to collect a parcel from the post-office.
I'll feel more like reading 'The Greenhouse Effect' book in the summer.
14th. Received one Valentine's card from a secret admirer. Was I just imagining it, or did
the card really have a fish and chip shop smell to it?
15th. I really enjoyed those fish and chips, today, especially on the second occasion.
16th. My local football team is in trouble again. I know a 15-0 defeat is humiliating, but
it was just a friendly, so there was no need for that after-match streak in the
opponents dressing room. Apparently, it was the referee who reported the club, and
not the players or manager of the U-21 ladies team.
17th. Is it, 'Feed a cold and starve a fever.' or 'Starve a cold and feed a fever.'?
18th. Felt even worse today.
19th. Because of my state of health, the roof repairer has given me top priority. He'll be
coming next week now, instead of yesterday.
20th. It's ridiculous. After the ending of certain TV programmes we're shown an
immediate trailer for the following week's episode, with a reminder every hour
hereafter, as if they're scared we'll change channels during the next seven days.
21st. How was I to know that somebody had added an 'I' to the 'TO LET' sign. 
Luckily, the police let me off with a warning.
22nd. Before you complain to the neighbours about their cooking smells entering your
house, first check behind the radiator for hidden socks.
23rd. Everything looks so much different in the dark. If I'd known that it was my dressing
gown, and not a giant grizzly bear, then I definitely wouldn't have thrown the alarm
clock... Everything sounds so much louder at night.
24th. Who needs 250 TV channels? It just takes even longer to zap through the crap.
25th. What a crazy day of eating. Three rounds of buttered toast, two sausage rolls, a bag
of peanuts, fish and chips, a bag of cheese and onion crisps (family size), two ounces
of chocolate-covered Brazil nuts and a Chinese take-away.
26th. Toilet... 
27th. Red, blue, red, yellow, green... Why does snooker remind me of something else?
28th. The cheek of it! The roof repairer is going on a two weeks holiday to Spain, and, if I
wouldn't mind phoning all his customers to inform them?