Portus Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."... Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you Watson?" "Well... astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke... "Watson, someone has stolen our tent."
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. "Tiny" replies the man. "Why's that?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!"
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote,
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
A dumb blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
A bear and a rabbit are side by side in the woods, having a poop. The bear ask the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear picks him up and wipes his backside with him!
...Saint Peter sees three men approach, all of whom have just passed away. "Well," says Saint Peter, "why don't you tell me how you died."
Man 1: "Well, I was fairly certain that my wife was cheating on me, so I went home over lunch this afternoon. We live in a 10th floor apartment. When I got there, sure enough, she was naked in bed. No one else was there, but I did see two hands, gripping the rail on our outdoor balcony. Enraged, I went out and pounded the fellow's hands until he lost his grip, and fell to the street below. But, he WASN'T dead! More enraged, I went to the kitchen, and wrestled the fridge out to the balcony, and dropped it off the patio to finish him off, but all that exertion gave me a heart attack, and I died."
"I see," said Saint Peter, "and you?" he asked Man 2.
Man 2: "Well, I was painting the railing on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment, and I lost balance. Luckily, I caught the railing of the balcony below mine, and I thought I'd be saved, but then this insane guy comes out and pounds on my fists until I couldn't hold on anymore! I was still barely alive after hitting the pavement below, but he threw a fridge on top of me!"
"Interesting," mutters Saint Peter, "and you?" to Man 3.
Man 3: "OK, so anyway, I'm crouched down, hiding in this fridge..."