Portus Fun One-Liners

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why don't you see blind people parachuting?
Because their guide dogs get scared

What's brown, smells and sounds like a bell?

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so that his wife can vacuum.

If at first you don't succeed . . . blame someone else.

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear underpants, don't you?"

Why are petrol station toilets always locked?
They're afraid someone will clean them.

Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure,
and when they told me I was gullible, I believed them.

An old television with a toaster inside makes a cheap but effective
 microwave oven... for making toast.

'You want us to do WHAT?' --- Ancient Chinese wall engineer.