Portus Fun Quotes


"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" 
Steven Wright.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." 
WC Fields.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." 
Peter O'Toole.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." 
Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." 
George Gobal.
"A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it, Jumping Up And Down."
Rita Rudner.
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." 
Eric Morecambe.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." 
Jeff Marder.
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." 
Mark Twain.
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." 
Mel Brooks.
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" 
Steven Wright.
"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter." 
Tommy Cooper.